Chemo Haze

Our home is covered in a chemo haze.  So what does that mean?

For me, it’s like having to play a football game with my star quarterback injured and on the bench. I’m out on the field of life trying to keep the ball in the air and everyone moving to the goal line. Meanwhile, life situations and the devil are trying to sack me. I can’t afford to get sacked. I have to keep life going for the family. I must make life as normal as possible for the kids despite extraordinary circumstances. Those that have gone through chemotherapy or had a loved one go through it will understand what I mean. Those that have not, you can take my word for it; chemo royally sucks for everyone involved.

Lindy is feeling progressively worse as the chemo drugs build up in her system. Normal activities are exhausting and overwhelming. She has about two “descent” days a week, the rest are a challenge to get through. If the cancer doesn’t kill you the chemo will. It’s tough to see her like this, but it also lends hope that the drugs are doing something. Pain makes progress (I heard this saying once). Our prayer is that the experimental chemo drug will rid the cancer from her brain and lungs. We should find out if the trial is working the week of Thanksgiving when she has the full scans done.

Our eight year old is processing everything that’s going on around her.
I hate that we have to talk about this; it’s not fair for a little girl to worry about these things.

Right before bed the other night:

Brooklyn: “Is mommy going to die?”

Me: {Stomach drop and pause} “…We all die sometime honey, only God knows when He is going to take us.”

Brooklyn: “I don’t want her to die, I need my mommy.”

Me: “I know honey; I need your mommy too.”

Brooklyn: “Well if God takes mommy I’ll be real mad at Him.”

Me: {Pause} “…Mommy is fighting her hardest to stay with us” “Try to go to sleep and not think about it.”

Mommy is fighting her hardest to stay with us

This entry was posted in Caregiving, Feelings, Living With Cancer and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

7 Responses to Chemo Haze

  1. Amy Sluiter says:

    Praying for you, Dusty, as a Dad and Husband. I am so very sorry that you (you and your family) have to go through this! Trusting God to give you the strength and wisdom you need each moment. Praying that He fills you and Lindy and Brook, Max & Sam with his HOPE. We’re believing Him for a miracle! Lots of love to you all! (“When I am weak, then I am strong in Christ.” I Cor. 12).

  2. dani says:

    Cancer sucks! I wish I could zap the cancer away. Praying for you.

  3. Rachel says:

    My heart breaks for you, Lindy, the kids. If there is anything I can do to help keep the ball in the air, so to speak, please let me know. I’d be happy to play with the kids, clean the house, whatever. This is just terribly unfair. Love to you all.

  4. Megan Van Kampen says:

    That just breaks my heart too! I think and pray for you guys every day. Please let us all know if there’s anything we can do to make it a little easier for you. It’s hard to be the one holding everyone together. Praying!!

  5. Anita says:

    I feel like all I ever write is that we love you and are praying for you and that is very true, but I wish I could say more. It breaks my heart to know how hard this is on you and your sweet Brooklyn. May God grant you the wisdom to answer those tough questions. I thought explaining life in a 3rd world country was tough but having those conversations with Brook must hurt a lot. Praying daily for you and your family.

    • Dustin Ver Beek says:

      Thank you Anita and everyone for your kindness as I share what’s going on. Sometimes I wonder why I spend the time to blog during all this. I guess it’s good to get the feelings out.
      We miss seeing you guys around–prayers for you and the family.

  6. marcia vanderzwaag says:

    We will continue to pray for your family. Please remember God is in control and he surrounds you and your family with love. Please donot hesitate to call or e-mail me with anything that will help you as you deal with this chemhaze and all that goes with it.

    Aunt Marcia

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

You may use these HTML tags and attributes: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <strike> <strong>